Yesterday we started the kindergarten after the long winter break. For a little human, like our daughter transitioning "back to business" from all-day fun, being with parents, family, friends is never easy, so she clearly said "I never go back to kindergarten". She was firm and not stepping back from it.
These are difficult moments for me. I want to fully respect her, as I (mostly) do from the day she was born, at the same time, she has to go to kindergarten. I am a mother, but also a human with a purpose in this world, with clients coming each day, doing my work, living my passion. I respect her and also mentor her through her life. I sat with her and gave her all my love and empathy. Listened to and acknowledged her. She slowly started to open up. Just a few minutes later, she came to get dressed and we left our home without a loud word, crying, tantrum or anything else. On the way to the kindergarten, I asked her about the things she loved doing there. By the time we arrived, we could list 4-5 things she really enjoyed and could also explain how boring it is to do the obligatory tasks like washing hands, eating, napping, etc. Others might think, she just played it up, but I never take her feelings lightly. They always matter. As always, it worked like magic as I let her feel her feelings, as I truly saw her and gave her my full attention. What's the big deal about it? Perhaps you don't get it why I am writing a post about such a small matter. Perhaps you would just do it a quicker way, either trying to convince the child that she must go, or tell her you are already late and drag her to the door while she is whining, or even would use your force to get going. If you ever wondered why you get irritated when nobody listens to you, when you seem invisible, why you go numb or get angry in certain situations, it can very well be that once upon a time when you were little nobody cared as you expressed your feelings. They hushed you, called you a whiner, a sissy and told you to get over it. Over the years, you learned how not to feel anymore and how to live up to others' expectations. You learned to complete your tasks, to go through your life without others caring for you and you ended up not caring about your life either.
For me, it took not much time, maybe 10 minutes altogether to maintain and even improve our connection, the relationship. To stay close, loving, and become more aware of ourselves. She felt heard, she felt worthy, safe and loved. No matter what. I felt sadness and uncertainty, I could empathize with those many occasions when I didn't want to go to work, school, kindergarten, but nobody cared, including myself. Now I care, for both of us. You know the end of the story, right? She loved being in the kindergarten.
Photo: illustration