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  • Writer's pictureZsofia Fischer

THE ART OF SAYING "NO"


NO.

NO. NO. NO. NO.


The very first word that most children learn to say and practice not just for weeks, months, but for years and decades. As adults, as women, as mothers, however, saying no is often the hardest thing to do.

Why is that?

Because we know. Because we knew, because we are no different from all those who show, teach, and demonstrate to us day after day that NO means NO. Without explanation. From the heart, from the gut, simply, NO.

I don't want to. I don't like it (spinach). I won't do it (because I don't want to, because I don't feel like it). No (because it doesn't feel good). No.

No reason, no explanation, no pondering, "oh, can I, should I?" No convincing myself, "I should do it because of what they'll say." There's nothing, just NO.

The clear, instinctive, and all-pervasive NO.

(Because I know what's good for me and what's not, because I am who I am.)

Of course, you, who are reading this now, know all this. You also know that almost all of us learned to suppress this no in childhood because it was not allowed to say no. You learned to follow the rules, to be a perfect child, a perfect student, and even today, as an adult, when you could write your own rules, live your own life, you follow the rules of others, your parents, or society because of your conditioning.

Every moment you do something that doesn't bring you joy, that doesn't fill you with energy and enthusiasm, but you feel like you have to, you "should," out of duty or resignation, every time you give up on yourself - the one and only unique miracle that you truly are - for the benefit of someone or something else. The worst part is that you do it unconsciously, following your patterns, and in the end, you expect to be praised, that you are finally revealed as good and lovable, that you meet expectations. But listen, I'm telling you, you will never get this, or only if you pay a very high price for it: you give up your whole self, who you are, your whole life.

As a child, you didn't have much choice. You ate when you were told to, not when you were hungry. You dressed because grandma said you would get sick, not because you were cold. You gave up playing because you were already too big for it. You kept your desires secret so you wouldn't be demanding. You gave up on your dreams because you can't make a living from them. You became estranged from your sensations, feelings, deepest urges, ultimately from yourself.

Yet everything was and is there in you, every sincere, childlike, instinctive YES and NO.

You systematically let go of it, lost yourself. You didn't have a choice - because if the child continues to say no, then punishment, scolding, and even beating will come. So as a child, you couldn't protect yourself, but now you can, you must. You owe it to yourself to say NO when you need to. Because every time you do, you will become more and more yourself, more and more who you truly are. Many women turn to me seeking harmony, as a woman and a mother. From my own experience, I know that in order to achieve harmony, it is not about beautifying your home, buying nice clothes, or going to a beautician. It is about recognizing yourself again and allowing yourself to be who you are. You must dare to return to yourself, which is often different from what you currently know and show the world. You must dare to be different, to renew, to change and to make changes. Learn to show yourself, represent your desires, love what you love, and let go of what is not you. Put your boundaries in the right place. Finally, your life will really be about you and not about others. Not about how well you can meet everyone's expectations. And maybe you have to let go of the idea that you are a superwoman, a supermom, but in return, you will regain yourself, your vitality, your satisfaction, your happiness.

Otherwise, you will feel like you are falling apart, that you have no time or energy for yourself, that this is not the life you imagined for yourself, and no matter what you do or how much you do, it will never be enough. You don't want that, right? Start saying no. Just like that. Simply because that's how you feel. NO. No. No. Without explanation, ideology, questions, or answers. NO. Say it out loud. NO. NO. NO. Take back yourself, your strength, and your power over your life. You will not live a happy life by saying yes to everyone's request. You will be happy if you have the courage to say no to everything that is not you. Practice it, and if you can't, ask for help. If you hit a limit, if you want to but don't dare, then see what is holding you back. Say no, do less, so that there is more of you left for life."

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