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  • Writer's pictureZsofia Fischer

THERE EXISTS MOMENTS...


...that possess the power to reshape one's life irrevocably. It was one such moment, precisely five years ago today, when my father collapsed before me in the hallway and departed from this world.



What strikes me as peculiar about such moments is their dual nature: in an instant, EVERYTHING changes irreversibly, yet the world around continues its rhythm as if untouched by the upheaval. The sun sets and rises anew, the mundane routines persist – garbage collection at dawn, shops opening their doors, life moving forward.


I vividly recall the moment when time seemed to halt, though outwardly imperceptible. After the ambulance departed, leaving behind no one to rescue, the doctor's departure bore regret, while mute attendants carried away my father's lifeless form, leaving behind only an overwhelming void of pain.


Despite the mantras chanted and spiritual wisdom acquired, the loss pierced through, shattering illusions. Even though my father had promised, at my mother's funeral, that he would soon join her (and he was a man of his word), the grief remained insurmountable.


Seeking solace, I grasped for support, yet found none. The descent into despair commenced unyieldingly. Time stagnated, space congealed, even the toddler lay motionless for hours the following morning.


Engaging in trivial tasks, mechanically, out of obligation, I found myself questioning the significance of choosing an urn's color or the necessity of an autopsy – who would care? Days later, my father and I embarked on a surreal journey to the cemetery together, our favorite songs accompanying us.


Despite the presence of loved ones, no one comprehended the abyss within me, for I had ceased to be the person I was a week prior. Floating between realms, like the departed, I traversed hell while agonized over self-blame and unanswerable questions.


It took two to three years before I traversed the stages of grief and pain, emerging from the depths like a phoenix from ashes.Five years on, I lie awake at night, reminiscing with a blend of gratitude 🤍, agony 🖤, and love ❤.

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